i didn't sign up for this

This Blog Is No Longer “About Me.”

In doing things so i can do stuff on December 14, 2010 at 9:25 am

I’ve been avoiding this blog because there are other things I want to blog about that I didn’t think would fit here.

Now if that isn’t the silliest shit in the world I don’t know what is. I haven’t even articulated what this space is about.

Oh. Maybe I should do that.

It occurs to me that I’ve been meandering through that space since this blog’s inception. “What am I going to dooo with my life… I dunno… I have insecurities…

Well. No more of that. In for a penny, in for a pound. I’m not sure what that means but I’m all in.

This blog has been about feeling trapped. Now it’s going to be about control. Taking it back from other forces, and what taking control can mean for you.

“I didn’t sign up for this”? End User Life Agreement is, as all 6 of you have duly figured out by now, a cute play on those things we read. The dreaded End User License Agreement. A slush of fine print gets thrust in your face, you, tired of waiting for the damn download and set-up of whatever-the-hell-it-is, wearily scroll through, click “I agree,” and product is automagically delivered. Proceed to forget all about whatever you just digitally “signed.”

That bothers me so much you wouldn’t believe it. How many rights have we signed away just doing that 15 or 20 times? (And you’ve done it many more. Promise.)

Life is like that, too. That’s the ethos behind the blog, if you will. (Now I’m imagining a VH1 Behind the Blog special. They don’t even do specials on music anymore, do they. Ah, well.) Either we can succumb to the continued press of corporate culture (powered by Government!) on our rights, privacy, and goodwill — or we can be aware of it. Steal it back. And steal the dream of Having A Life back, too. A life that’s not powered by the company you work for, limited to the coworkers you see every day. A Life of One’s Own.

With a life of one’s own, making a difference is suddenly a matter of my will rather than space or corporate will. And I’d put odds on something I control over corporate will, any day.

I’ve got some things in store. More meditations, political essays (oh yes, we’re going to go there,) and you’ll hear about my life — in case study form. Stay tuned and bookmark the hell out of me, because you’re not going to have to listen to any more waffling dren. The only dren you’re going to see on here is the kind I’m flinging at the walls. Which, of course, is a much better time for everyone wearing a face mask. So bring one.

Charlotte adds, *lick lick lick lick* “mrrrr-ow!” Isn’t that productive!

Catch me on the Twatter. I’m @shellbelle, because I actually registered in, like, 2007. We can twat… together.

<3

mish

reach for the stars and maybe you’ll combust

In meditation, motivational slaps on the ass, they only come out at night on November 24, 2010 at 3:27 pm

a meditation. one ‘x’ per iteration.

the stars are bright on a cool, clear night.

[in, one. two. three. four. and out, one, two.] x     x

they’re present with me.

i am present with them.

[in, one two three four. out, one two.] x     x     x

I am here and I am Not A Star.

They walk by every night, these spheres

Of heat, of gas, of lightning bright

And they are what they are.

[in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6; out 1, 2, 3.] x     x     x

I am at home, feet on the ground

the strong earth cradles me

so that I might feel

its aching call

[in, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8; out, 1, 2, 3, 4] x     x

I am who I am. that is all. I am it. [s]he is me.

there can be only love in that. only peace in me.

why is it a bother, the scars on the skin I wear?

it is mine. those scars are how I know.

[pause.

breathe as you do.

be aware of each breath.]

rich in errors

my power is my own.

I remain on the ground

to toil for my wings.

the scars will pick me out

when you come to give them over.

you. or is it my own self.

[give it a few.

come back.]

please enjoy. share if you did.

one thing

In doing things so i can do stuff, easing technical difficulties on November 14, 2010 at 9:58 am

IT’S HARD to live. And I say that with all the seriousness of a preacher admitting during a sermon that they diddled the secretary. As in — I am very, very sorry about how hard it is.

IT’S EASY to survive, though. If you’re competent. You can do things you hate in exchange for money and come up with things on which to spend that money in order to dull the pain.

WHERE I AM is standing at the edge of the cliff with the “survival” flag planted in it and staring at the other flag, flapping in the wind, across the way. I know where I am. I know the difference between surviving and living. I know where I need to get to (living, duh!!!) And I know what’s not going to be enough.

JUST, YOU KNOW, mind the gap, eh?

I EVEN KNOW it’s an Indiana Jones-gap. I know that that leap of faith will set me on subtle ground. That I won’t fall into the chasm. That it’s easier than it seems.

THE ONLY THING stopping me is me, sabotaging myself. That’s sort of a comforting thought. It sort of sucks, though. But I am in my control, luckily. I can keep noticing that. The more I notice I’m in control… the more often I’ll take control. That I can control my surroundings. Like how I noticed that I kept doing something and just put my foot down and said, oh hey — I don’t want to do this anymore. So I’m going to take myself out of that picture.

And I haven’t smoked tobacco in about a month now.

NOT BAD.

IF I CAN kick that, I can get this window insulation done, vacuum, rake the yard, unpack the rest of my stuff, and clean.

RIGHT?

Right. Right. I got this. One thing at a time.

HELL, maybe I’ll even enjoy feng shui-ing my room. Make it a sacred space and all that.

MAYBE I’ll make that front room a study. Maybe I’ll put the french doors back up. Yeah, I’ll definitely do it.

RIGHT NOW. Awesome.

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