I mean, do you? Come on, easy enough question, yeah? Well APPARENTLY I do, and here’s how that went.
Actually, it went pretty well. I had 1 life-changing experience, found 1 nature sound streaming radio station (here), and (getting back to the life-changing thing) had about fifty million realizations that I think I am a bad person and that I’ve been deadening the pain for a long time, making myself a husk of myself, draining myself of creativity, bein’ all not-self-esteemy, not letting myself talk to myself… et cetera. Four sentences in and YES already I am talkin’ about my problems.
But yeah, something happened.
It was like a bubble came to roost, glimmering and shuddering, on my arm. All fragile and full of life. And I popped it. And the pop was good.
SOMETIMES THE POP IS GOOD. In this case it was just full of the sexy. To think that I could pop that bubble, that “everything’s fine” bubble and have the world still not fall apart — that’s pretty good. That’s a start. Everything’s not fine. I know I don’t get along with “people” sometimes. Often I’m too brash, but try to overcompensate by being a concerned little beaver all the time.
But hey, that’s not healthy.
IF IT FEELS LIKE AN ACT, IT IS ONE. That is, if it’s uncomfortable and it does. Life is probably all “acting”. But if it feels like bad acting — it’s tearing you apart, it’s bringing you down, you don’t feel motivated by the words you say and the actions you take — it’s gotta go. Usually you’re worse to the observer than you are to yourself. I really do care about people. I know that on the inside inside. But I also know the means I use right now for expressing that caring right now are inadequate, and they fulfill more self-centered needs like “do I feel comfortable with the level of concern I’ve expressed??” more than they, you know, actually comfort and care f0r the people close to me.
So… then what?
I’M TOTALLY AT A LOSS. That is good to admit too. I’m standing here empty-handed and empty-headed.
So… okay, then what?
I’M OPEN-HANDED AND OPEN-HEADED. That’s where I’m gonna be. Just… just gonna stand here. Yep. Open to surprises. Open to just chill out. Not going to stress, not going to build things up and think of the first thing, idea, person, concept that walks by, “ooh! THIS THING came along! It must be fate!”
Or, you know, the second thing either.
Me talk like primitive soul-searcher. Grunt. Let the games begin.
Categories: “fairest of them all” = ref to me, with tongue firmly in cheek.
Tagzzzz: “blog therapy”, “I DID NOT HIT HER” (you didn’t click the link? WHAT?), “streaming radio” (I likes my streaming radio)