i didn't sign up for this

So Have You Ever Gone To Start A Blog And Not Known What To Make The First Post So You Wander Through A Bunch Of Archives And End Up Totally Creeping On Some Blogs?

In fairest of them all on July 9, 2010 at 7:20 pm

UPDATE: AND oh my stars, a big hello to everyone at Fluent Self, you beautiful bunch! I can scarcely believe that I have been chickened. <3 Stay and play if you’d like!

——

I mean, do you? Come on, easy enough question, yeah? Well APPARENTLY I do, and here’s how that went.

Actually, it went pretty well. I had 1 life-changing experience, found 1 nature sound streaming radio station (here), and (getting back to the life-changing thing) had about fifty million realizations that I think I am a bad person and that I’ve been deadening the pain for a long time, making myself a husk of myself, draining myself of creativity, bein’ all not-self-esteemy, not letting myself talk to myself… et cetera. Four sentences in and YES already I am talkin’ about my problems.

But yeah, something happened.

It was like a bubble came to roost, glimmering and shuddering, on my arm. All fragile and full of life. And I popped it. And the pop was good.

SOMETIMES THE POP IS GOOD. In this case it was just full of the sexy. To think that I could pop that bubble, that “everything’s fine” bubble and have the world still not fall apart — that’s pretty good. That’s a start. Everything’s not fine. I know I don’t get along with “people” sometimes. Often I’m too brash, but try to overcompensate by being a concerned little beaver all the time.

But hey, that’s not healthy. :o

IF IT FEELS LIKE AN ACT, IT IS ONE. That is, if it’s uncomfortable and it does. Life is probably all “acting”. But if it feels like bad acting — it’s tearing you apart, it’s bringing you down, you don’t feel motivated by the words you say and the actions you take — it’s gotta go. Usually you’re worse to the observer than you are to yourself. I really do care about people. I know that on the inside inside. But I also know the means I use right now for expressing that caring right now are inadequate, and they fulfill more self-centered needs like “do I feel comfortable with the level of concern I’ve expressed??” more than they, you know, actually comfort and care f0r the people close to me.

So… then what?

I’M TOTALLY AT A LOSS. That is good to admit too. I’m standing here empty-handed and empty-headed.

So… okay, then what?

I’M OPEN-HANDED AND OPEN-HEADED. That’s where I’m gonna be. Just… just gonna stand here. Yep. Open to surprises. Open to just chill out. Not going to stress, not going to build things up and think of the first thing, idea, person, concept that walks by, “ooh! THIS THING came along! It must be fate!”

Or, you know, the second thing either.

Me talk like primitive soul-searcher. Grunt. Let the games begin.

Categories: “fairest of them all” = ref to me, with tongue firmly in cheek.

Tagzzzz: “blog therapy”, “I DID NOT HIT HER” (you didn’t click the link? WHAT?), “streaming radio” (I likes my streaming radio)

  1. This is my favorite post in the entire world.

    Actually, my favorite part is the grey box at the top that says AAH OH GOD WHAT IS THIS BOX FOR NOW, but also the title and also everything else.

    If your first post is this great, who knows what wonders are to come?

    (My first post totally sucked, for the record, but luckily it’s buried under another whole year of terrible posts so yay perspective)

    • Aahaha, thank you so much! Kind words! When you wrote this I was just starting my night shift so I’ve sort of had intermittent access to the interwebs, but now I’m done and I wanted to stop and say thanks, mainly because when I first visited your site I said “omg! That makes /so/ much sense, why didn’t I think of that??” about 20 times and linked a bunch of posts to my friends because you are smart and delicious and totally sauced on peaceful power, and it’s the highest of compliments to get one from you, I think.

      LET ME JUST GROVEL SOME MORE. ha. good night.

      p.s. if you keep sayin they’re terrible you’re going to step on somebody’s Stuff when that first post really helped them out ;)

  2. Hear hear. Look at me, leaving two comments on the same day, which amounts to 67% of your posts. I used a calculator for that. That’s how much I am geeking out over this blog.

  3. Hi Mish! Here from Fluent Self. I just started a blog on a totally similar track and am having some of the same thoughts. The Shiny Thing syndrome is something I’m trying to deal with, too :)

  4. This blog made my morning! I don’t even seem to care so much about the backing up truck sounds, and the weed whackers out there… And your tagzzzz are the awesome. Love!

    • eee, thanks! :D (I’m limiting my talking because I need to go back to vacationizing! But I am glad someone likes my tags I didn’t think anyone would like my tags o_o)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.